Dear Badass Dad,
Hi! Remember me? It’s been a while so I just thought I’d make sure you hadn’t forgotten about me! LOL! Like you would! Ha!
Luvs,
Your Blog
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Dear Badass Dad,
Hi, again. I don’t want to be a pest – LOL! – but since I didn’t hear back after my note a couple weeks ago I thought I’d write again, just to make sure you got that last note. Can’t trust email, you know! Ha ha! Anyway, drop me a line, or even toss some photos my way for a Wordless Wednesday. Whatevs! Just wanna stay in touch.
Totes lurve you,
Your Blog
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Badass Dad,
Hi. Uh, this is awkward. I know you got that last email because I sent it return receipt and I saw you opened it like one minute and 38 seconds after I sent it, so since it’s been almost a week I’m really wondering if I did something wrong. Was it that thing a while back where people couldn’t leave comments? I swear that wasn’t my fault. I have NO IDEA why that happened, but it won’t happen again, I swear. Please, just post something. ANYTHING!
Your Blog
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All right, Assclown. WTF? It’s September, dude. You posted like TWICE in the WHOLE MONTH OF AUGUST! You expect people to just keep checking their reader or clicking the bookmark to your blog to find the SAME OLD SHIT!!!??? They won’t, dude. They’ll fucking punt your ass and move on. You may think you’re some hot shit dad blogger but man you are a DIME A DOZEN! Anybody can put up a blog, dude. It’s not hard. It’s totally easy and FREE, so seriously, ANYBODY can do it. I mean, you didn’t even customize your fucking blog template. You used some stock Blogger bullshit theme and expect people to give a SHIT ABOUT YOU!? Whatever, dude. They don’t, and neither do I. I’m done. I give up. You can fuck off for all I care.
Your Former Blog
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I’m sorry. Please write.
Love,
Your Blog
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Seriously, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean those things I said. Of COURSE people still care about you! You’re a GREAT blogger! I mean, you’ve got like 47 followers! And I’m sure that’s just a drop in the bucket since most people don’t even know what following IS! I’m sure you totally have HUNDREDS of people who read EVERY POST you write, and would read every day if you posted more. Not that you need to post more. You totally don’t. I mean, three weeks seems like a long time to go without a post, but that’s totally just my opinion. I’m sure you have some brilliant cunning plan or whatever (LOL!), and your next post is probably going to be huge! EPIC!!! Not that all your other posts aren’t. They totally are!
Friends? I hope so. Please write.
Love,
Your Blog
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Now I’m worried you might be dead. Are you dead? Please write.
Your Blog
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Dear Blog,
Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Just been busy and haven’t felt inspired to write. Don’t worry, I’ll write soon. Thanks for checking in. And, uh, chill out, ok?
Sincerely,
Badass Dad
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Damn, Astrogirl426 took my comment. I really don't want my blog getting any ideas. Three days? Try three months. Don't worry, they always take you back.
Bloody brilliant.
LOL… Very funny. I know some other people whose blogs might write them.
Yeah, I get these messages from time to time from my blog. But I just have to remind it that you know, I have a LIFE dammit, I just can't devote all my attention to you…even when I want to.
Blogs can be so clingy, ya know?
Assclown LOL! I was one that was shut out of comments… let's see if your blog means it huh? Test in 3… 2… 1…
Dude. Your blog needs to get laid.
Tell your blog to call my blog if it needs some straightening out. Velveteen Mind gave up trying to kick my ass a long time ago and now calls other blogs "pansies" that even think about complaining about their bloggers. I post MAYBE once a week/ once a month and it doesn't bat an eye.
We do cut our eyes at each other occasionally via the "Really? It's been…" and "Seriously? You're gonna start with me?" exchange, though.
It probably helped that I designed it to look all dusty and crummy to begin with, huh? Keeping everyone's expectations low, right out of the gate.
"Bad Ass" sets the bar awfully high, dude.
Holy cow, dude. Your blog's gotta chill. Give him a finger or two of whiskey, some quality pron, and some "alone time"… or maybe he's had a little too much "alone time", in which case, you're on your own. Good luck.
Your blog and my blog need to go out and grab a beer together.
I think this is BRILLIANT! Fabulous. Hilarious. And a few other adjective that mean you are a funny guy & I like what you wrote.
Thanks for sharing,
Ciao
You're sooooo forgiven and understanding! I would have kicked my blog's ass to the curve if it ever talked to me in that tone of voice!
Wow, your blog has quite the 'tude. Mine would probably prefer that I wasn't around so often!
This is freaking hilarious. Now you have 48 followers!
Is your blog single? Because if he is (and I'm assuming by his overuse of the term LOL that he is also GAY) I have the perfect guy I could introduce him to. Let me know if he's interested, K? LOL
xo
Shauna
I had a conversation with my own blog this week. They really can blow things way out of proportion.
that. was. hilarious LOL
Some of the comments on this post were lost in the move from Blogger to WordPress. Until I figure out how to fix that, you can read them here.