Christmas snuck up on me this year. It often does, and I know I’m not alone. The older I get, the faster time accelerates. I fully expect to wake up any day and find out it’s 2025. Which will be cool, because surely by then we’ll be able to teleport.
But Christmas snuck up on me in a new way this year. It snuck up on me in the form of Owen, almost four and 1/2, asking questions about God. Pesky Christmas carols.
Lisa and I are both singers, so when the holiday season rolls around, you’ll find us humming, whistling, and often belting out one Christmas carol or another. We even sing the occasional Hanukkah song, and I’m told I do a pretty decent Grinch. So there we were, innocently trading verses of Joy To The World, and I get to the part about “He rules the world, with truth and grace.”
Owen: “Who?”
Me: “Who what?”
Owen: “Who rules the world?”
Me: “He does.”
Owen: “He who?”
Me: “He God.”
Owen: “Hegod?”
Me: “No, God. Just God.”
Owen: “Who’s God?”
Me (inside my head): “Fuck. Really? Have we actually not covered this? Shit, I guess we haven’t. Crap, crap, crap. What do I say? I totally should have rehearsed this.”
Me (out loud, nodding head and looking thoughtful): ” … ”
Owen: “Who’s God?”
Me (still looking thoughtful): “Uh.”
Owen: “Can I watch TV?”
Me: “Totally! What do you want to watch?”
Ha! Dodged that bullet. Barely. And clearly we can’t leave this question unanswered. The kid needs to know who/what God is, but here’s the rub: I’m not sure I know who/what God is. More to the point, I don’t believe there is a God. At least, not in the Judeo-Christian, monotheistic, omnipotent, personified sense of the word.
I suppose this makes me an atheist. I have a hard time calling myself an atheist, because in modern American culture, calling yourself an atheist is a like proclaiming yourself as some kind of activist. It implies advocacy. Membership in a club. Part of the reason I’m an atheist is because I don’t really want to be in any of the clubs. I just don’t believe there’s a God. Which, by definition, means I’m an atheist. So there you are.
My wife and I are in different places about this. As I mentioned in my anniversary post, I basically excised Jesus from our wedding. Lisa didn’t fight me on this, but if it were left to her she wouldn’t have done it. We don’t go to church or actively practice religion, but if you ask her, she’ll tell you she believes in God. She was raised Christian. She went to Sunday school and attended church with her parents. I wasn’t, and didn’t. My family celebrated Christmas and Easter in our secular-humanist/consumerist way, but God didn’t much factor in.
So we come from different angles, but we’re not THAT far apart. My moral and ethical sense is basically in line with Christianity. Love thy neighbor, do unto others, have a few hundred wives, and live to be 350. All this stuff sounds OK to me. And as I said, I’m not an activist atheist. If you believe in God, that’s cool. I’m not going to try and talk you out of that belief. Unless you try and talk me in to something, in which case we may have a problem. A friend of mine who actually is Christian has a great bumper sticker on his refrigerator door (because there’s no way he’s sticking it on his Audi). It’s attributed to Gandhi and says “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ.” This isn’t why I don’t believe in God, but it goes a long way toward why I don’t spend much time in church. That, and the whole don’t-believe-in-God thing. That tends to get in the way for the Christians. Apparently it’s not a requirement for the Jews, though, so there’s always that route. But I’m getting off track.
So, back to the issue at hand. What to tell my son about God? God is an important concept to understand, regardless what you believe. You can’t live in the world and not know what God is. So, like saying please and thank you, crossing the street, and the Beatles, I need to teach my son about God. And at some point he’ll need to make up his own mind about whether he thinks there is such a thing. But that’s for later. For starters, he needs to know what it means.
As you might expect, my escape from this discussion was short-lived. It wasn’t long before Owen brought it up again, likely in response to some other Christmas carol–related incident. But this time, I was slightly more prepared.
Owen: “Who is God?”
Me: “OK. You know that episode of The Backyardigans where Pablo and Tyrone go up above the clouds to see the goddess of weather to ask her to make it stop raining so they can play basketball?
Owen: “Yeah.”
Me: “And while they’re there they meet the goddess of naps and the god of laughter?”
Owen: “Yeah.”
Me: “Well, some people believe there’s just one God in charge of everything.”
Owen: “Oh. OK. Is there?”
Me (inside my head): “Fuck.”
Me (out loud): “Some people think so. Some people believe … different things.”
Owen: “Do you think so, or do you believe … different things?”
Me: “Well, I guess I believe … different things.”
And he basically let it go at that. For now. I’m sure this won’t be the last conversation we have about it, so I’m sorting out how to help him understand, so when it does come up again, I’m more prepared. I can’t fake this. I need an honest, true answer for my son about God. I think I’ll tell him I don’t believe there is such a being, but a lot of people do, and the truth is, I don’t really know.
I mentioned this to my friend Becky, who has three girls and has been my friend since junior high.
Becky: “Hm. That’s a tough one. Wait till he asks where you go when you die. I like, ‘When you die, you go back to where you were before you were born.’”
Me (channeling Owen): “In mommy’s tummy?”
Becky: “Before that.”
Me (still channeling Owen): “In daddy’s penis?”
She’s gonna need to flesh out this line of reasoning, I think. For my part, I’m open to any and all suggestions or advice.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I think you should stick to the backyardigans for all future religion questions. If he brings up your beliefs again, perhaps you could tell him you have not made up your mind yet (another stall tactic), and ask what he thinks. I have noticed with my nieces, they rarely end up caring my opinion if you give them a chance to form their own. Even if their own opinion relates to the goddess of rain and naps, and so forth. As he gets older, he will form his own beliefs, and I applaud you for not being judgmental in other people’s beliefs (dare I say you are actually in the “Christian” spirit in this).
Also, if he happens to decide he believes in the goddess of naps, see if he would put in a good word for me. I could use one!
On a related note, the other day, Daya said, “when we’re grown up, you and mommy are going to die.” Needless to say, I wasn’t too happy about the reminder.
My wife and I face this same struggle, except we are both non-activist atheists. We’ve told the kids that some people believe in a god, that some people believe in different gods than others, some believe in multiple gods, and some people believe that there aren’t gods. We’ve said that we believe in being good people, and that we should do everything we can to be good to the planet because this is where we will live and someday die.
They’ve handled it quite well, given they are 7, 5 and 5.
Dude….the Backyardigans are great for explaining this kind of shit. I waver on the whole God thing. Right now, the kids and I are attending church and doing well with the whole God issue. But I guarantee the next time a shit storm hits my life, someone is going to have to hit me over the head with a God stick to get me back in there.
Hotty Hubby on the other hand, is like you. God is about as real as Santa to that man. But he’s happy being labelled an atheist.
Next time he asks…tell him to go ask mommy.
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In case you were wondering, Sprite shot out the nose burns.
I am the you in my marriage and my husband is the Lisa. I decided to go ahead and let the children be indoctrinated with the understanding that I will not pretend I am in complacent agreement with the church. (although, I’m not quite the you. I do believe in God; I don’t believe in virgin births.)
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Our household is a complete mish-mash of beliefs: Joe is Catholic, I am Pagan (for lack of a better term) and Jade is Buddhist. I studied religion in college and so I tend to have a very academic approach towards religion. Personally I am a very spiritual person but I don’t believe in religion: religion is a man made concept and IF there is a higher power / deity / creator I think that that entity would be beyond things like race, sex, time, space and yes, religion. When Jade was little I raised her to be knowledgeable of all religions so that she could make her own decision, and now, at 16, she has. I don’t see anything wrong with raising children to think, and analyze and make these kind of decisions for themselves. Tell them the story of Jesus’ birth, then tell them the story of the miracle of Hanukkah, then explain the principles behind Kwanzaa, then tell them about Solstice and Yule. If nothing else, it makes our children more accepting of others’ religions and beliefs. People are far more accepting of things they understand.
Oh, and Natalie: which virgin births do you not believe in? There have been dozens of them! lol
You made me laugh until it hurt. I especially like your internal dialogue. I think you will do fine telling him what you think, and that the idea of God is complicated. And including that God is real for some people and not for others – even that Mommy believes differently from you and that’s OK. You can even compare God to The Force that is in Everything ala Star Wars. The Force is a version of the God concept. I am in the Life-is-a-crap-shoot camp, and the You-create-your-own reality camp, but what do I know? But it’s hard to deny a sense of awe and that there’s something bigger than I am when I experience the beauty of nature. Is that God? Maybe, but I can’t get behind the old guy with the beard who directs what happens to us. I’m closer to believing in The Force.
Oh goodness. I can’t even imagine. I, for the most part, seem to agree with you in your beliefs, so I really can’t imagine trying to convey an impartial explanation on to a child. One day, maybe. Good luck with that one!
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BTW – totally want to hear the grinch in that creepy uncle voice.
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Holy crap; how did I never read your blog before this?! Your position on this and worries about what to tell your son are EXACTLY the same as mine. Seriously. It’s comforting, if not instructive. Nearly everyone I know answers automatically with a certainty that makes me uncomfortable and “Well, sweetie, God is (insert particular religious belief here)! And that’s just he way it is.” I just don’t feel comfortable with that at all.
**“Some people think so. Some people believe … different things.”**
That’s pretty much exactly the tone our conversations have all taken so far. I’ve fleshed it out a bit, since my son is older — told him the bullet points of Judeo-Christian thought, more or less — and we’ve talked about the difference between what we can know and what we believe. He’s decided for now to believe in Heaven, maybe, but definitely not Hell, and studying dinosaurs is cooler than either.
Great Backyardigans illustration. At least you didn’t turn to the monster or Viking episodes. Or, God-who-may-or-may-not-exist help us, the Polka Palace episode.
Yep. I’m lame.
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michael, i LOVED reading this because i was so intrigued with where this was going, how you were going to explain what you chose to explain, etc… so i read this post with my super serious can’t wait until the next sentence look on my face. and then i got to “In daddy’s penis?” and woke up the magoo from his nap because i laughed so hard that i knocked over the cup of water that was next to me. TOTALLY WORTH IT.
on a serious note though, both my husband and i were raised in the catholic church, married in the catholic church, had the magoo baptized in the catholic church… but we’re not practicing catholics. in fact neither my husband nor i agree with more than 80% of the catholic teachings. we do not currently attend church and we quite honestly have no clue how we will go about explaining to the magoo when he is older. maybe by the time he is of the age where he starts questioning us about this stuff there will be a “church” (i even have issues with the word itself) that is not exclusive, welcomes all, believes in there being many different belief systems and faiths, and is just plain old spiritual instead of religious.
great post.
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HA! What a great post… Just found your blog by searching “Dad blog”, noticed the thesis theme… love it… I’ve got a similar setup at my dad blog.
Jesus, you had me laughing here! At first I was like, “Aw shit, another wholesome dad blog” and then i noticed you think in shits and fucks like I do.
As a former Christian (well, i guess former… we’ll see), i’m wondering about the same question, and your dialogue is hilarious… I know I’ll get to the point where I’ll wish i had figured out my schtick on this as well.
But, my son is only 6mo, so i’ve got some time. Backyardigans it is. Also, as Christina said above, if you see that goddam nap goddess, tell her to sprinkle some of the “good stuff” on my Aiden; I’m sick of it!
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“I think I’ll tell him I don’t believe there is such a being, but a lot of people do, and the truth is, I don’t really know.”
“looks like you answered your own question….and his!” I think “I don’t know” is the truest answer of all.
For your entertainment: http://peterrollins.net/blog/?p=82
I think I’m lucky that Jack’s dad and I agree on this subject for the most part. Still, I don’t look forward to explaining this to Jack. I want to give him an answer that lets him come to his own conclusions, but in fact I have very strong ideas on the subject.