For the first time today, I really missed my old job. I got an email from a friend and former coworker about her visit to the office where we used to work, to have lunch with people we used to work with. Reading her note, the pang of remorse I felt came as a complete surprise to me. Remorse? Or is it grief? Wishing I still had the comfortable job, comfortable income, comfortable perception of stability. Obviously the comfort I felt wasn’t real, but you don’t know what you don’t know.
At the same time, Owen has been obsessed with earthquakes. I think it started with glimpses of Haiti coverage he saw while we were out of town a few weeks ago. Since returning home he asks almost every day about what would happen if we had a big earthquake. Would our roof fall in? Would things fall down? What about the pictures on his walls? Would they fall on him? On his brother?
We live in Southern California, so we can’t tell him we don’t have earthquakes. We talk to him about our sturdy old house, about the things we do to stay safe in an emergency. We hold him and we tell him not to worry.
Also this week, Nicholas started day care for the first time in his 20 months of life. He’s a trooper, and he’s doing well, but clearly he is not thrilled about this change. The first few days he was uncertain at drop-off. Now he knows what’s happening, and he is not happy being left. This will pass, I’m sure, but while it lasts it’s hard to walk away from our sad baby.
So, I find myself facing my fears alongside my young boys. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what we can’t control. Fear of the new. For them, I know, they will get through it. They will endure and eventually these fears will fade.
For me, I strongly believe the same will be true, but it’s harder to see it. Will the work I’m doing translate into income that will support us? If not, will I find something else that pays the bills and doesn’t eat my soul? I struggle with these questions. I take strength from my boys while trying to comfort them. One way or another, we’ll all get through this.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Earthquakes are scary. Even to adults. Maybe you guys can do a practice drill and talk him thru it, if it helps
So funny how kids resonate off us…when I feel the adult earthquake come on (stress, job, flat tires) my daughter starts asking me about death and disease. I think kids resonate…time for a romp through the perriwinkle to air things out. Liked this honest post, rare around here.
Kelly´s last blog … History Re-Tweets Itself
I think, right now, we’re all in a place similar to this. Seeing our fears and figuring out what to do with them. You are a good dad, your kids are lucky to have you.
Kellee´s last blog … Frozen, Stuck, and Otherwise Paralyzed
Living in NZ, we get earthquakes all the time too. For my part, I chose to make the kids a part of the preparation process so that they understood that there were things that would keep them safe. They also go through earthquake drills in school all the time.
I think you’ll probably experience that remorse again, and possibly the fear too …… but just remember that you’re a great dad and those kids are lucky to have you there with them.
Mad Woman´s last blog … Weiners – Part 2…with some beans!
Fear is a tricky thing to deal with with kids. I’ve not realized my kids were scared about some things simply because it didn’t occur to me to provide MORE information. My oldest was terrified for weeks before her tonsillectomy because she didn’t know she would be asleep when they did it. More info always seems to help. You are a great dad to validate his feelings.
And your own fear? There’s not one of us who isn’t scared when the future is uncertain. The thing is, the future is uncertain for everyone, but we just don’t think about it that much. I don’t really know you, but I can place an educated guess that you will be more than fine.
Heather´s last blog … Aweigh Result and Prize Week 2
Anika is sensitive about the earthquakes, too, with the Haiti news. Not that we watch that much news, but the fundraisers everywhere. Especially with the orphans. We had long talks.
She’s since moved on to zombies.
I suppose it’s always something
I love how you take strength from your boys. My kiddos give me so much strength, they have no idea.
I hope your work becomes the dream job!
Fear is a tricky thing for sure. Information is our friend around here. We play the what-if game all day long sometimes. We don’t have earthquakes here, but we do have venomous spiders and snakes, and car accidents, and a kid down the street accidentally shot himself in the head. The world is full of freaking scary stuff.
I feel sorry for kids that there’s so much scary stuff out there. But then, I envy them that, for a time at least, the fear will pass once they learn some rudimentary information and get a few hugs. Oh, to be 6 again.
I remember being at home with my son when he was a baby and feeling completely out of my element. I hadn’t gone more than a week without working since the age of 18 so it was completely bizarre to me. Then I worried that I was losing the identity I had tied to my job…now I feel like my kid is someone who grounds me. Funny how things change and how we sometimes get comfort from the little people we so often give comfort to.